Struggle
Assalamualaikum and greetings, earthling :)
Whoever knows me like really knows me well will realise the changes in my personality. From a very outspoken girl to a very timid person. Whenever I look back, I feel so sad. My heart ache at how much I've changed. A simple word that came out from someone's mouth with the intention of being "funny" and to "tease" someone can really change one's life.
Even though all this time I kept on reassuring myself that whatever they said are simply a joke and doesn't mean anything, at some point of my life without even realising it, I give in and even believed their words. That's why they said that words are prayers(kata-kata itu satu doa). Psychologically, I am forced to accept and believed things that are continuously said to me. Its like some kind of mantra/spell.
I am still recovering. Collecting pieces of my self that has been smashed by those people. Self-esteem. Confidence. Courage. Gone. All of 'em. I am still trying to recover at my own pace, in my own way. But somehow it never seems to be enough. It seems like my pace is too slow for this 'fast-forward' world. People keep expecting more. Keep forcing more than what I am capable of, as in for now. And I am afraid to be broken all over again. This time because of the expectation, the disappointment, the responsibility...
I am sorry for being like 'this'. Some said that I'm trying to run from the reality. Escaping the responsibility. Its true but I have my reason but of course those reason will only pass as excuses. Harsh but that is life.
I tried to rely on people. But somehow I just can't do it. Sometimes it is them who won't/can't be there when I need them most. Sometimes it is me who keeps on pushing them out because of the guilt to burden others with my issues. Or afraid of them being unable to understand my situation and thus making it worse. Sometimes it is both. So I ended up being alone. Struggling and gasping.
I even tried to rely on myself. but to rely on this broken self is especially hard. Trying to find the right place to hold so that I won't break any more part. And in the end of the day, I often find myself drowning in thoughts and feelings. Suffocated.
Now, all I do is relying on Him. Unleashing each and every feelings that weighed me down to Him. I don't know if I'm doing it right. But He is the only one I have. I know that He is doing this not to torture me but to improve myself. My faith. But it's hard to hold on to that belief. I keep on falling down here and there. Crying myself to sleep. Disconnected with everything and everyone. Repeatedly make the same mistake. Feeling insecure, scared and beaten all the time.
I tried. Trust me, I really do. Even now, I am forcing myself to get up every time I fall. To wipe those tears and face the world. To smile even just for the sake of acting. To learn from the mistakes. To masked all those negativity with my bubbly character. I am trying. I really do. Because I believed and truly believed that He is always with me. Watching over me.
Thus, all I asked for is a little bit of understanding from everyone. Allow me to take my time and rebuilt this broken self. Pray for me and mind your words so that it won't destroy another soul like how mine was destroyed by merely some thoughtless words.
Whoever knows me like really knows me well will realise the changes in my personality. From a very outspoken girl to a very timid person. Whenever I look back, I feel so sad. My heart ache at how much I've changed. A simple word that came out from someone's mouth with the intention of being "funny" and to "tease" someone can really change one's life.
Even though all this time I kept on reassuring myself that whatever they said are simply a joke and doesn't mean anything, at some point of my life without even realising it, I give in and even believed their words. That's why they said that words are prayers(kata-kata itu satu doa). Psychologically, I am forced to accept and believed things that are continuously said to me. Its like some kind of mantra/spell.
*****
I am sorry for being like 'this'. Some said that I'm trying to run from the reality. Escaping the responsibility. Its true but I have my reason but of course those reason will only pass as excuses. Harsh but that is life.
*****
I tried to rely on people. But somehow I just can't do it. Sometimes it is them who won't/can't be there when I need them most. Sometimes it is me who keeps on pushing them out because of the guilt to burden others with my issues. Or afraid of them being unable to understand my situation and thus making it worse. Sometimes it is both. So I ended up being alone. Struggling and gasping.
I even tried to rely on myself. but to rely on this broken self is especially hard. Trying to find the right place to hold so that I won't break any more part. And in the end of the day, I often find myself drowning in thoughts and feelings. Suffocated.
*****
Now, all I do is relying on Him. Unleashing each and every feelings that weighed me down to Him. I don't know if I'm doing it right. But He is the only one I have. I know that He is doing this not to torture me but to improve myself. My faith. But it's hard to hold on to that belief. I keep on falling down here and there. Crying myself to sleep. Disconnected with everything and everyone. Repeatedly make the same mistake. Feeling insecure, scared and beaten all the time.
I tried. Trust me, I really do. Even now, I am forcing myself to get up every time I fall. To wipe those tears and face the world. To smile even just for the sake of acting. To learn from the mistakes. To masked all those negativity with my bubbly character. I am trying. I really do. Because I believed and truly believed that He is always with me. Watching over me.
After all, its the effort that counts right :)"... Dan Dia tetap bersama-sama kamu di mana sahaja kamu berada, dan Allah Maha Melihat apa yang kamu kerjakan."(Al-Hadid, 57:4)
*****
Yours sincerely,
Haura Hadid
Comments