Be happy, be grateful [23012020]

Assalamualaikum and greetings, earthling :)

My whole life since I was small, pre-school age kind of small, Ive started comparing myself with others. Having people making fun of you, getting bullied, plus with the adults guilt-tripping and spouting nonsense doesnt help me in anyway possible. It make things worse.

At some point, I just felt life was so meaningless. Me, striving to perfection for the sake of pleasing others, only to be paid by getting pick up upon every tiny bit of mistakes here and there. It's frustrating and disappointing. Most importantly it is exhausting.

That kind of life IS exhausting. The more I look at others, the more I envy. The more I wish I was in their shoes. The more I hate my life, myself. The more I felt that life is unfair. That the God, Himself is unfair.

Astaghfirullahala'zim. Naudzubillahiminzalik.

It was so hard to pull myself through the endless taunting and self-hatred. Having those around you who kept on comparing you with others most certainly worsen the situation. With this "comparing mindset" imbued in mind, I move forward with life. With each step taken, it destroyed even more value I had in life. It was terrifying, tiring and suffocating.

I compare my achievement with others. Instead of boosting my spirit, it hinders my effort. Because in my mind, for every move I made, it will never be enough. It will only end up in failure compare to others. So why bother? Why even try if it all end up as a failure? I end up stuck in this seemingly endless pessimistic mindset with no way out and confidently flaunt my "Im ok" mask out there while slowly decaying inside, all at the same time.

Until, one day, I came across a saying by Imam Syafie', "My heart is at ease knowing that what is meant for me will never missed me, and that which misses me was never meant for me."

This very sentence had the gears in my brain, start working. It had me ponder upon for a long time. I was neither satisfied nor happy with my life. I was always on edge knowing that whatever others had will always be better than mine whereas mine will always be a failure. I always try impersonating others. Try to live life as others did it while completely disregard my own. Always being unhappy and sad whenever I saw "good things" in their life that I "failed" to have. All this while ignoring the bountiful blessings that was showering me! I was being ungrateful to Him.

Alhamdulillah, slowly but surely, my point of view in life started to sway for a better, in shaa allah. I start to seek for goodness in life and be grateful. I start to appreciate more and complained less. And what do I achieved by doing so?

I feel lighter, less suffocated and much happier. Yes, I feel happy. I stop comparing myself with others and start walking in my journey at my own pace. I only compare with the mindset of improving myself. Looking up to those above me to get inspired and work harder while seeing those below me to constantly be grateful of what I have.

Having the right circle of people around you is important. Having people constantly supporting and encouraging you to see the good in life is necessary. It was an excruciatingly slow process but it helps. It really does! It wont happened over a night. It took years, at least for me, that was the case.

Having someone whom willingly be by your side to remind you to be grateful is extremely vital. Reading self-enrichment book helps a lot as it gives you ideas to fix yourself. Listening to those ted-talk/motivational podcast late at night helps as well.

Most importantly, knowing that you are not alone and Allah is with you in every step is extremely crucial. It is reassuring and helps you feel secure with your own life. Trust Him and have faith.

إِنَّ رَبِّي قَرِيبٞ مُّجِيب
Indeed My Lord is near and responsive
(Surah Hud, 11:61)

Knowing deep in your heart that He will be there for you no matter what happened, strengthen you tremendously. I let go of my dependency on others cause I realized that it will only brings me despair from the constant failed expectations and disappointment. I started depending on my Lord more and slowly letting go of the rein. Have trust, have faith in Him. I believe that everything that happened in my life was never a coincidence. It was all planned and it was all good for me. For everything that had occurred and had yet to occur, I strongly believe that it was all for my own sake. It was all blessings in disguise.

And with all this set in mind, I start to live. I am not merely existing but I am living. I appreciate this life that Allah is lending to me and I will try my best to carry out the responsibilities handed to me. Knowing that Allah is with me in every step I take and in every decision I choose, gave me the confidence to bravely face the world genuinely. Honestly, I dont know for how long will I be in this state of mind. But I pray to Him to always assist me in every seconds of my life. To pull me back towards Him whenever I started to stray away from His path.

And to those who had this similar constant struggle of hating on oneself as I did, try to open up and help yourself. Not a single soul can save you if you refuse to save yourself. Life is too beautiful to be hated on. Yes, there are a lot of disgusting and gutted people out there but there are good people as well. The world is still beautiful as long as you're willing to give it a chance to shine. Be happy, be grateful.

Lots of Love, AE